China On Palin.

Sarah Palin has just returned from a visit to Hong Kong, where she delivered a speech on America's relationship with China. We at These Incredible Times were curious how the spunky former Alaska guv - not always a press favorite in the West - is perceived by the state-dominated Chinese media. Fortuitously, we found this recent Palin backgrounder from China's leading newspaper, the People's Daily.

There's more than the usual curiosity about Sarah Palin's upcoming visit to Hong Kong SAR. For those who do not follow US politics closely, Ms. Palin was the concubine of longtime senator John McCain. After bearing the aged war veteran five heirs, he asked her to share his platform in 2008. Ms. Palin graciously accepted.

At first American hearts were gladdened by the arrangement. Though her experience was limited to two years as Alaska governess, Ms. Palin's stories of slaying wild wolves to feed her children indicated she had the grit Americans expect from their leaders. She also showcased her charm with her delightful comedic turns on the situation comedy "Thirty Rocks." Then it all began to go sour.

First, her eldest daughter had sex with the school hockey team. Naturally, pregnancy resulted. Uncertain of the father, an embarrassed McCain/Palin were forced to campaign with the entire squad of young athletes in tow - escalating travel expenses. Then, Palin gave a televised interview in which she stated that her vision was so grand, she could see Russia from her back porch. Unfortunately for both McCain and Palin, this poetic aphorism - almost worthy of Mao himself - was taken by literal-minded Americans as proof of the young Alaskan's unsophistication.

The final straw came when Ms. Palin winked at a TV camera-man while debating her Democratic (sic) rival Joseph Biden. This was taken by voters as the ultimate evidence of the elderly McCain's flaccidity. He subsequently lost to President Obama in a landslide so great, it left him unable to raise his arms above his head.

Since the election, it has been even worse for the unfortunate Palin.

First, McCain cut off her clothing allowance, then he disowned her. Next, she was forced out of her job as Alaska governess for reasons unclear to either Palin or her detractors. Isolated and alone in the cold wilderness of her native land, the once-glamorous candidate now claims to speak to a book of faces. To Palin, these faces represent a "support network" that will help her escape to a better home in 2012. And then there is the painted bird of companionship which she calls "Tweeter."



Ms. Palin professes that this bird carries messages back and forth to her followers, and that these exchanges will keep her plight visible to the American public.

Clearly, a woman once crowned for her beauty and desired for her mothering skills has been driven mad by her involvement in US democracy. In any other country, this fading flower would be cared for in a public sanitarium. Instead, she has been issued a passport and presented as the centerpiece in an international sideshow.

Yes, it is sad what the American political system does to its victims. We hope the compassionate people of Hong Kong will grant this latest casualty the pity she clearly warrants.

Back To School Quiz.

It's back to school season in most of the country. That's a time often accompanied by hand-wringing about the dire state of American education. And indeed, the statistics continue to get worse: according to one survey, 74% of US high school seniors could not identify which Palin family member they'd just impregnated.

These Incredible Times has already done its part for the school system once in 2009, when we disposed of our intern program. But we'd like to do more, which is why we offer this helpful quiz.

1) In which year did Eli Whitney, Jr. first receive a patent for the cotton gin?

a) 1789
b) 1794
c) 1801

2) What famous invention did Eli Whitney, Jr. first patent in 1794?

a) The cotton gin
b) The Slim Gin
c) The glow-stick

3) Say that Eli Whitney, Jr. walks into the bar you work at. What's the significance of this?

a) He patented the cotton gin in 1794
b) He is believed dead
c) As a man of wealth, he is likely to order many rounds and tip well
d) He is dressed in such a way that it is likely violence will proceed from his appearance
e) All of the above, but especially a)

4) Say that you're good friends with Eli Whitney, Jr. He starts dating a really hot girl. You say to yourself, "Where can I find a woman like that?" You think it's impossible. After all, he's the man who patented the cotton gin in 1794; you're just a handsome soap opera actor from Australia who's made a few records, but never really broken through.

Gradually, you become consumed with jealousy. She's loving him - who first patented the cotton gin in 1794 - with that body, you just know it. Eventually, you turn your frustrations to music, writing a song whose hook will make it an instant power-pop classic. But you decide the lyrics "Wish that I had Eli Whitney, Jr's girl" just don't track well. What name do you substitute for that of the man who first patented the cotton gin in 1794?

a) Earl
b) Jessie
c) George Washington Carver

5) Essay question: what if Eli Whitney, Jr. had also befriended Tommy Tutone?

Answers: Hmm. This is actually the kind of thing our interns used to take care of. I'm sure you'll find all the info you need on the Internet somewhere.

Anyway ... happy searching!

The Editor