Back To School Quiz.

It's back to school season in most of the country. That's a time often accompanied by hand-wringing about the dire state of American education. And indeed, the statistics continue to get worse: according to one survey, 74% of US high school seniors could not identify which Palin family member they'd just impregnated.

These Incredible Times has already done its part for the school system once in 2009, when we disposed of our intern program. But we'd like to do more, which is why we offer this helpful quiz.

1) In which year did Eli Whitney, Jr. first receive a patent for the cotton gin?

a) 1789
b) 1794
c) 1801

2) What famous invention did Eli Whitney, Jr. first patent in 1794?

a) The cotton gin
b) The Slim Gin
c) The glow-stick

3) Say that Eli Whitney, Jr. walks into the bar you work at. What's the significance of this?

a) He patented the cotton gin in 1794
b) He is believed dead
c) As a man of wealth, he is likely to order many rounds and tip well
d) He is dressed in such a way that it is likely violence will proceed from his appearance
e) All of the above, but especially a)

4) Say that you're good friends with Eli Whitney, Jr. He starts dating a really hot girl. You say to yourself, "Where can I find a woman like that?" You think it's impossible. After all, he's the man who patented the cotton gin in 1794; you're just a handsome soap opera actor from Australia who's made a few records, but never really broken through.

Gradually, you become consumed with jealousy. She's loving him - who first patented the cotton gin in 1794 - with that body, you just know it. Eventually, you turn your frustrations to music, writing a song whose hook will make it an instant power-pop classic. But you decide the lyrics "Wish that I had Eli Whitney, Jr's girl" just don't track well. What name do you substitute for that of the man who first patented the cotton gin in 1794?

a) Earl
b) Jessie
c) George Washington Carver

5) Essay question: what if Eli Whitney, Jr. had also befriended Tommy Tutone?

Answers: Hmm. This is actually the kind of thing our interns used to take care of. I'm sure you'll find all the info you need on the Internet somewhere.

Anyway ... happy searching!

The Editor