Reprisal of the weekend feature known as Saturday Matinee has been postponed until this site has enough regular readers to enjoy it.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
China On Palin.
Sarah Palin has just returned from a visit to Hong Kong, where she delivered a speech on America's relationship with China. We at These Incredible Times were curious how the spunky former Alaska guv - not always a press favorite in the West - is perceived by the state-dominated Chinese media. Fortuitously, we found this recent Palin backgrounder from China's leading newspaper, the People's Daily.
There's more than the usual curiosity about Sarah Palin's upcoming visit to Hong Kong SAR. For those who do not follow US politics closely, Ms. Palin was the concubine of longtime senator John McCain. After bearing the aged war veteran five heirs, he asked her to share his platform in 2008. Ms. Palin graciously accepted.
At first American hearts were gladdened by the arrangement. Though her experience was limited to two years as Alaska governess, Ms. Palin's stories of slaying wild wolves to feed her children indicated she had the grit Americans expect from their leaders. She also showcased her charm with her delightful comedic turns on the situation comedy "Thirty Rocks." Then it all began to go sour.
First, her eldest daughter had sex with the school hockey team. Naturally, pregnancy resulted. Uncertain of the father, an embarrassed McCain/Palin were forced to campaign with the entire squad of young athletes in tow - escalating travel expenses. Then, Palin gave a televised interview in which she stated that her vision was so grand, she could see Russia from her back porch. Unfortunately for both McCain and Palin, this poetic aphorism - almost worthy of Mao himself - was taken by literal-minded Americans as proof of the young Alaskan's unsophistication.
The final straw came when Ms. Palin winked at a TV camera-man while debating her Democratic (sic) rival Joseph Biden. This was taken by voters as the ultimate evidence of the elderly McCain's flaccidity. He subsequently lost to President Obama in a landslide so great, it left him unable to raise his arms above his head.
Since the election, it has been even worse for the unfortunate Palin.
First, McCain cut off her clothing allowance, then he disowned her. Next, she was forced out of her job as Alaska governess for reasons unclear to either Palin or her detractors. Isolated and alone in the cold wilderness of her native land, the once-glamorous candidate now claims to speak to a book of faces. To Palin, these faces represent a "support network" that will help her escape to a better home in 2012. And then there is the painted bird of companionship which she calls "Tweeter."
Ms. Palin professes that this bird carries messages back and forth to her followers, and that these exchanges will keep her plight visible to the American public.
Clearly, a woman once crowned for her beauty and desired for her mothering skills has been driven mad by her involvement in US democracy. In any other country, this fading flower would be cared for in a public sanitarium. Instead, she has been issued a passport and presented as the centerpiece in an international sideshow.
Yes, it is sad what the American political system does to its victims. We hope the compassionate people of Hong Kong will grant this latest casualty the pity she clearly warrants.
There's more than the usual curiosity about Sarah Palin's upcoming visit to Hong Kong SAR. For those who do not follow US politics closely, Ms. Palin was the concubine of longtime senator John McCain. After bearing the aged war veteran five heirs, he asked her to share his platform in 2008. Ms. Palin graciously accepted.
At first American hearts were gladdened by the arrangement. Though her experience was limited to two years as Alaska governess, Ms. Palin's stories of slaying wild wolves to feed her children indicated she had the grit Americans expect from their leaders. She also showcased her charm with her delightful comedic turns on the situation comedy "Thirty Rocks." Then it all began to go sour.
First, her eldest daughter had sex with the school hockey team. Naturally, pregnancy resulted. Uncertain of the father, an embarrassed McCain/Palin were forced to campaign with the entire squad of young athletes in tow - escalating travel expenses. Then, Palin gave a televised interview in which she stated that her vision was so grand, she could see Russia from her back porch. Unfortunately for both McCain and Palin, this poetic aphorism - almost worthy of Mao himself - was taken by literal-minded Americans as proof of the young Alaskan's unsophistication.
The final straw came when Ms. Palin winked at a TV camera-man while debating her Democratic (sic) rival Joseph Biden. This was taken by voters as the ultimate evidence of the elderly McCain's flaccidity. He subsequently lost to President Obama in a landslide so great, it left him unable to raise his arms above his head.
Since the election, it has been even worse for the unfortunate Palin.
First, McCain cut off her clothing allowance, then he disowned her. Next, she was forced out of her job as Alaska governess for reasons unclear to either Palin or her detractors. Isolated and alone in the cold wilderness of her native land, the once-glamorous candidate now claims to speak to a book of faces. To Palin, these faces represent a "support network" that will help her escape to a better home in 2012. And then there is the painted bird of companionship which she calls "Tweeter."
Ms. Palin professes that this bird carries messages back and forth to her followers, and that these exchanges will keep her plight visible to the American public.
Clearly, a woman once crowned for her beauty and desired for her mothering skills has been driven mad by her involvement in US democracy. In any other country, this fading flower would be cared for in a public sanitarium. Instead, she has been issued a passport and presented as the centerpiece in an international sideshow.
Yes, it is sad what the American political system does to its victims. We hope the compassionate people of Hong Kong will grant this latest casualty the pity she clearly warrants.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Saturday Matinee: A Peek Into the World at Our Birth. (Repeat)
Hi. The Editor here. Busy time for us at "These Incredible..." So, if you don't mind, we'd like to present an encore presentation of Saturday Matinee that is just as timely, if not more so, than it was when it premiered two weeks ago. Enjoy. And happy Rosh Hashanah!
In this soon-to-be regular feature, we tap into the multimedia potential of the Worldwide Interweb to feature video highlights from the last eight decades.
Today's edition - filmed in our birth year - is more than entertaining ... it's revelatory.
Yes, our researchers have uncovered more proof that Susan Boyle's singing career started far earlier than she has thus far acknowledged ...
Unfortunately, it cuts off before we glimpse the young Simon Cowell. Pity. Enjoy your weekend.
In this soon-to-be regular feature, we tap into the multimedia potential of the Worldwide Interweb to feature video highlights from the last eight decades.
Today's edition - filmed in our birth year - is more than entertaining ... it's revelatory.
Yes, our researchers have uncovered more proof that Susan Boyle's singing career started far earlier than she has thus far acknowledged ...
Unfortunately, it cuts off before we glimpse the young Simon Cowell. Pity. Enjoy your weekend.
Neil Armstrong's To-Do List.
Water gardenias.
Call grandchildren; thank them for birthday cards.
Stop at grocery store; buy 2% milk.
Visit public library; see if new Phillip Roth is in.
Stop at Jack-In-The Box. Speak slowly through drive-thru speaker; see if they recognize your voice.
Forward fan mail to estate of Louie Armstrong; continue practicing trumpet.
Forward fan mail to estate of Michael Jackson; continue practicing falsetto.
Call Coast To Coast AM; tell host you have proof moon landing was a hoax. Hang up.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Health Care: Fracas Over Baucus.
On Wednesday, Senate Finance Chair Max Baucus presented his long-awaited health care reform bill. While the powerful centrist Democrat drafted his plan with the idea of attracting bipartisan support, it's received little favor from either side thus far. Let TIW, our correspondent in Washington, explain why.
What do people object to about the Baucus plan? It's a classic case of "devil's in the details." Both sides have a nit to pick: Republicans dislike the mandates; Democrats say its financing puts an undue burden on workers.
But the part of the bill that both sides dislike is this:
The Max Baucus health care plan would only provide health care for Senator Max Baucus.
Hard to believe, but true. Let me quote the intro:
"In these hard times, Americans are more concerned than ever about Max Baucus' health care. As a 67-year-old man who eats at a lot of Italian restaurants, Max Baucus is in constant medical danger. Furthermore, what about those unexpected events that could strike Max when he least expects it? What if Max is in an accident? What if Max is attacked by a whale or poisoned by a disgruntled aide? What if Max develops ringworm, swine flu or herpes? What if his wife finds out about the herpes? For all these reasons, it is paramount that Congress take important steps this year to guarantee Max Baucus a health-care plan that is affordable, comprehensive and permanent."
Above and beyond the fact that Baucus, like most members of Congress, already has health insurance, many find it tacky that the six-term Montana lawmaker would utilize his large staff - and the Congressional Printing Office - to document each of his "owwie" spots. And there are other parts equally offensive to liberals in and outside Congress.
Clean-government groups have long noted Baucus's ties to the drug industry. Sure enough, there's over $37 billion in incentives directed toward a pharmaceutical company that manufactures a pill called "Just For Max." No one really knows what it does; it is known that one of the very few doctors allowed to legally administer it in the US was a technical adviser on Benjamin Buttons.
And that's not even the most controversial part of the bill; that would be the feature called "private option."
What is "private option"? Well, this is a family blog, so I can't go into too much detail. I'll just quote a little more (from the section labeled "Quality of Life"):
"Though Sen. Baucus's anatomy is more than adequate, and, in fact, quite sizable compared to other members of Congress, he would like to keep open the option of future enhancement surgery. As the de-aging process accelerates, he will once again reach his sexual peak. Thus it is essential that he have the very best, in terms of both volume and length, that today's medicine can provide."
As the senator himself might soon put it, "TMI." Incidentally, this part of the proposal would be paid for by a surtax on actor Ron Jeremy.
Pouring over the PDFs, as we have since Wednesday, it's easy to conclude that Max Baucus didn't take his role in the legislative process very seriously. In fact, the Baucus plan may be the biggest misuse of congressional authority since ex-senator Larry Craig (R-ID) earmarked $3 billion in federal highway money for Mario Lopez. It will be up to the rest of the Senate to determine where the process goes from here.
What do people object to about the Baucus plan? It's a classic case of "devil's in the details." Both sides have a nit to pick: Republicans dislike the mandates; Democrats say its financing puts an undue burden on workers.
But the part of the bill that both sides dislike is this:
The Max Baucus health care plan would only provide health care for Senator Max Baucus.
Hard to believe, but true. Let me quote the intro:
"In these hard times, Americans are more concerned than ever about Max Baucus' health care. As a 67-year-old man who eats at a lot of Italian restaurants, Max Baucus is in constant medical danger. Furthermore, what about those unexpected events that could strike Max when he least expects it? What if Max is in an accident? What if Max is attacked by a whale or poisoned by a disgruntled aide? What if Max develops ringworm, swine flu or herpes? What if his wife finds out about the herpes? For all these reasons, it is paramount that Congress take important steps this year to guarantee Max Baucus a health-care plan that is affordable, comprehensive and permanent."
Above and beyond the fact that Baucus, like most members of Congress, already has health insurance, many find it tacky that the six-term Montana lawmaker would utilize his large staff - and the Congressional Printing Office - to document each of his "owwie" spots. And there are other parts equally offensive to liberals in and outside Congress.
Clean-government groups have long noted Baucus's ties to the drug industry. Sure enough, there's over $37 billion in incentives directed toward a pharmaceutical company that manufactures a pill called "Just For Max." No one really knows what it does; it is known that one of the very few doctors allowed to legally administer it in the US was a technical adviser on Benjamin Buttons.
And that's not even the most controversial part of the bill; that would be the feature called "private option."
What is "private option"? Well, this is a family blog, so I can't go into too much detail. I'll just quote a little more (from the section labeled "Quality of Life"):
"Though Sen. Baucus's anatomy is more than adequate, and, in fact, quite sizable compared to other members of Congress, he would like to keep open the option of future enhancement surgery. As the de-aging process accelerates, he will once again reach his sexual peak. Thus it is essential that he have the very best, in terms of both volume and length, that today's medicine can provide."
As the senator himself might soon put it, "TMI." Incidentally, this part of the proposal would be paid for by a surtax on actor Ron Jeremy.
Pouring over the PDFs, as we have since Wednesday, it's easy to conclude that Max Baucus didn't take his role in the legislative process very seriously. In fact, the Baucus plan may be the biggest misuse of congressional authority since ex-senator Larry Craig (R-ID) earmarked $3 billion in federal highway money for Mario Lopez. It will be up to the rest of the Senate to determine where the process goes from here.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
This Incredible TV: Leno-Happy NBC.
On Monday night former "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno made his much-ballyhooed debut in the 10 PM EST/9 PM CST time slot. Two days later - and despite some ratings decline in his second outing - Leno's bosses are still crowing about his early success. How Leno-happy is the NBC brass? Here's the early (and off-the-record) word from an insider.
On Ratings:
"We're very pleased with where we are. Jay's cornered all the big demos, and at this early date he is unquestionably the highest-rated late-night host in prime-time. Granted, he's had some very big guests this week - Jerry Seinfeld, Kanye West, Tom Cruise. And next week's lineup - Jim Carrey, Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, Secretary of State Clinton, Serena Williams, Billy Mays (pre-tape), Pope Benedict and ET - is just as strong. So we like the direction we're headed."
On Jay's Importance To The Network:
"There's no question that we have a lot riding on Jay's success; five nights a week is a major commitment. But we are NOT putting all our eggs in the Jay basket. This network has a lot of assets: Howie Mandel, David Hasselhoff, those fat people on Biggest Loser. So some of the things I'm reading on blogs about [NBC's dependence on] Jay are just crazy. For instance: we are NOT planning to freeze Jay's head after he dies so we can thaw him out for a future show. Although we're confident Cryogenic Jay would hold his own against CSI: Gattica, the economics of something like that make no sense in the present climate. Especially this far in advance."
On NBC's Support For Conan:
"We are 100% behind Conan as host of the Tonight Show. As we learned with Jay, it takes a long time for a new Tonight host to build an audience - especially when there's competition, even from his own network. We are certainly interested in helping Conan improve his numbers. But one thing we are not going to do is ask him to tone down his comedy or be more like Jay in any way. Our position is completely hands-off. I mean, if Conan does decide to color his hair gray and have chin-extension surgery, that'll be completely his choice. And we'll back him 1000% if that is indeed what he chooses to do. And the same holds true for Black Andy Richter."
On Opposition To Jay Within NBC Ranks:
"Was everyone behind the decision to give Jay the 10PM slot? Of course not. But the rumors you read are, again, silly. It is NOT true that the corpses of Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon rose from their graves on Monday night and began moving in the direction of Jay's studio. NBC guards didn't fire on them, and we certainly didn't film parts of their agonizing death-walk so we could later re-edit the footage into an "America's Standing Up For Jay" ad campaign. That would be ridiculous. But I should point out that neither of those men have worked for NBC for a very long time, and are certainly not privy to the same research as those of us on the inside."
On Optimism About The New Fall Schedule:
"We're very positive about the new fall shows. We've been fourth-place network for four seasons running, but we really believe five is our lucky number. We think that what we're offering - five nights of prime-time Jay, seven nights of Saturday Night Live, between 12 and 40 hours a week of Law & Order - is a breed apart from what the other networks are delivering. Also, we are this close to re-signing Mr. T. Fingers crossed."
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
This Incredible Editorial: Race in America.
At the start of 2009, we joined the rest of the country in guarded optimism about America's racial progress. This has been our issue since the late nineteen-fifties, when we were the first national publication to describe Sidney Poiter as "handsome." We were also the first to print James Baldwin's recollections of growing up black and gay, though we made a small editorial goof in asking him to recast several characters as precocious talking pigs. Still, no one can deny this is a cause close to our hearts.
Which is why were so saddened by what happened last night.
What does it say when a prominent African-American attempts to speak truth to power and is literally jeered offstage by an angry mob? What does it say when his proximity to a Southern belle who could have escaped intact from the pages of Margaret Mitchell is enough to have him physically evicted from American TV?
It says that we have not come as far as we would like.
We must admit that Kanye West has not been on our radar until now. From the evidence we've (briefly) reviewed, he seems a courageous young man who has managed a successful recording career despite the disability of having to sing through a mechanical larynx. We've also found very few photos of Mr. West in which he is not wearing dark glasses - indicating he is perhaps a sightless man who may have been unaware he was on-camera, or even on-stage, when he voiced his protest.
No matter; these are just excuses for an act that ultimately needs none. Mr. West did what courageous members of his race have done since Rosa Parks - stand up and be counted. He "saw" - if he can indeed see - an injustice, and he acted to right it. Boy, did he. We owe him great thanks for the national conversation that his lonely heroism will no doubt spark.
In the coming days, we hope that Barack Obama - a president whose election we helped bring about - will join with These Incredible Times in speaking up on West's behalf. If not ... well, I think we have a pretty good idea of whose name we'll be writing in come 2012.
The Editor(s)
Which is why were so saddened by what happened last night.
What does it say when a prominent African-American attempts to speak truth to power and is literally jeered offstage by an angry mob? What does it say when his proximity to a Southern belle who could have escaped intact from the pages of Margaret Mitchell is enough to have him physically evicted from American TV?
It says that we have not come as far as we would like.
We must admit that Kanye West has not been on our radar until now. From the evidence we've (briefly) reviewed, he seems a courageous young man who has managed a successful recording career despite the disability of having to sing through a mechanical larynx. We've also found very few photos of Mr. West in which he is not wearing dark glasses - indicating he is perhaps a sightless man who may have been unaware he was on-camera, or even on-stage, when he voiced his protest.
No matter; these are just excuses for an act that ultimately needs none. Mr. West did what courageous members of his race have done since Rosa Parks - stand up and be counted. He "saw" - if he can indeed see - an injustice, and he acted to right it. Boy, did he. We owe him great thanks for the national conversation that his lonely heroism will no doubt spark.
In the coming days, we hope that Barack Obama - a president whose election we helped bring about - will join with These Incredible Times in speaking up on West's behalf. If not ... well, I think we have a pretty good idea of whose name we'll be writing in come 2012.
The Editor(s)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Saturday Matinee: Mean, Indeed.
Welcome to These Incredible Times Saturday Matinee, one-week anniversary edition. To celebrate, a piece of film that couldn't be more timely - or timeless.
It's a clip from the 1978 film spectacular Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. This critically and commercially undervalued family romp combined the songs of the Fab Four with sparkling performances by the Bee Gees, Peter Frampton, George Burns (seen below) and countless other Jonestown-era stars. In this scene, you'll see an obvious, if primitive, prototype of the newly-released Beatles: Rock Band.
Still holds up, doesn't it?
I think we can agree that everyone involved in this film had at least a ten-bob note up their nose.
Enjoy your weekend.
It's a clip from the 1978 film spectacular Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. This critically and commercially undervalued family romp combined the songs of the Fab Four with sparkling performances by the Bee Gees, Peter Frampton, George Burns (seen below) and countless other Jonestown-era stars. In this scene, you'll see an obvious, if primitive, prototype of the newly-released Beatles: Rock Band.
Still holds up, doesn't it?
I think we can agree that everyone involved in this film had at least a ten-bob note up their nose.
Enjoy your weekend.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Voices From The Future: A Rising Star Speaks.
Delegates to the National Association of Radio & Television Chefs were dazzled today by a speech from a man many of them had probably never heard of. Largely unknown outside of Missouri cable access, Kevin Rodbin - the charismatic 36-year-old host of "In the Kitchen with K-Rod" - has been dubbed "the Barack Obama of TV chefs."
His speech today showed why.
Fellow delegates:
We meet at an auspicious time for our industry. But it also a time fraught with uncertainty. For though Americans are consuming more food than ever and watching more shows about it, they are growing more and more dissatisfied.
When the average American takes his or her family out to eat these days, what do they find? They find an overabundance of mozzarella sticks. They find perfectly good potatoes drowned in bacon and chives. They find "rare" and "well-done" no longer mean what they used to in this country. They find appetizers at odds with the main course.
And when they look to us in the culinary broadcasting arts, what do they see? All too often, it's division, infighting and jockeying for position.
Sadly, it seems that many of my colleagues would rather be Top Chef than create a topping that is both tasty and nutritious.
(APPLAUSE)
Now - now is the time to put aside our petty differences and come together - not to compete but to advance a common agenda; not to bash each others roast turkey, but to baste with renewed vigor.
It is time to throw away the failed recipes of the past and start anew.
(APPLAUSE)
It is time to move the gravy-boat of change across the table-cloth of destiny until the whole American family has enjoyed a second helping!
(STANDING OVATION)
All of us chefs should know the importance of uniting for the public good. It may sometimes take only one person to prepare a meal, and only one to enjoy it, but it takes a group of us working together to make it a special dining experience. And it takes an entire digestive system to process that meal and flush it out, so that the customer can come back and eventually become a regular.
If we need inspiration as we move forward along our path, we need only remember the courage of those that came before us. Paul Prudhomme and Justin Wilson taught us not to be afraid of spices. "The Frugal Gourmet" showed us how to cook within our means, and though he lived an imperfect life, his example still shines. And of course, there was Julia Child.
(APPLAUSE; TEARS FORM IN EYES OF BOBBY FLAY)
I want to share a note that Julia wrote me over fifteen years ago, when I was just a student struggling through culinary school. It has not been read publicly until now:
"Kevin:
Your chicken-and-dumplings sound delicious! But perhaps more paprika?"
(STANDING OVATION; OUTRIGHT SOBBING FROM RACHEL RAY, GORDON RAMSEY, EMERIL LAGASSE & OTHER DIGNITARIES)
Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the American palate!
(Video later)
His speech today showed why.
Fellow delegates:
We meet at an auspicious time for our industry. But it also a time fraught with uncertainty. For though Americans are consuming more food than ever and watching more shows about it, they are growing more and more dissatisfied.
When the average American takes his or her family out to eat these days, what do they find? They find an overabundance of mozzarella sticks. They find perfectly good potatoes drowned in bacon and chives. They find "rare" and "well-done" no longer mean what they used to in this country. They find appetizers at odds with the main course.
And when they look to us in the culinary broadcasting arts, what do they see? All too often, it's division, infighting and jockeying for position.
Sadly, it seems that many of my colleagues would rather be Top Chef than create a topping that is both tasty and nutritious.
(APPLAUSE)
Now - now is the time to put aside our petty differences and come together - not to compete but to advance a common agenda; not to bash each others roast turkey, but to baste with renewed vigor.
It is time to throw away the failed recipes of the past and start anew.
(APPLAUSE)
It is time to move the gravy-boat of change across the table-cloth of destiny until the whole American family has enjoyed a second helping!
(STANDING OVATION)
All of us chefs should know the importance of uniting for the public good. It may sometimes take only one person to prepare a meal, and only one to enjoy it, but it takes a group of us working together to make it a special dining experience. And it takes an entire digestive system to process that meal and flush it out, so that the customer can come back and eventually become a regular.
If we need inspiration as we move forward along our path, we need only remember the courage of those that came before us. Paul Prudhomme and Justin Wilson taught us not to be afraid of spices. "The Frugal Gourmet" showed us how to cook within our means, and though he lived an imperfect life, his example still shines. And of course, there was Julia Child.
(APPLAUSE; TEARS FORM IN EYES OF BOBBY FLAY)
I want to share a note that Julia wrote me over fifteen years ago, when I was just a student struggling through culinary school. It has not been read publicly until now:
"Kevin:
Your chicken-and-dumplings sound delicious! But perhaps more paprika?"
(STANDING OVATION; OUTRIGHT SOBBING FROM RACHEL RAY, GORDON RAMSEY, EMERIL LAGASSE & OTHER DIGNITARIES)
Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the American palate!
(Video later)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Back To School Quiz.
It's back to school season in most of the country. That's a time often accompanied by hand-wringing about the dire state of American education. And indeed, the statistics continue to get worse: according to one survey, 74% of US high school seniors could not identify which Palin family member they'd just impregnated.
These Incredible Times has already done its part for the school system once in 2009, when we disposed of our intern program. But we'd like to do more, which is why we offer this helpful quiz.
1) In which year did Eli Whitney, Jr. first receive a patent for the cotton gin?
a) 1789
b) 1794
c) 1801
2) What famous invention did Eli Whitney, Jr. first patent in 1794?
a) The cotton gin
b) The Slim Gin
c) The glow-stick
3) Say that Eli Whitney, Jr. walks into the bar you work at. What's the significance of this?
a) He patented the cotton gin in 1794
b) He is believed dead
c) As a man of wealth, he is likely to order many rounds and tip well
d) He is dressed in such a way that it is likely violence will proceed from his appearance
e) All of the above, but especially a)
4) Say that you're good friends with Eli Whitney, Jr. He starts dating a really hot girl. You say to yourself, "Where can I find a woman like that?" You think it's impossible. After all, he's the man who patented the cotton gin in 1794; you're just a handsome soap opera actor from Australia who's made a few records, but never really broken through.
Gradually, you become consumed with jealousy. She's loving him - who first patented the cotton gin in 1794 - with that body, you just know it. Eventually, you turn your frustrations to music, writing a song whose hook will make it an instant power-pop classic. But you decide the lyrics "Wish that I had Eli Whitney, Jr's girl" just don't track well. What name do you substitute for that of the man who first patented the cotton gin in 1794?
a) Earl
b) Jessie
c) George Washington Carver
5) Essay question: what if Eli Whitney, Jr. had also befriended Tommy Tutone?
Answers: Hmm. This is actually the kind of thing our interns used to take care of. I'm sure you'll find all the info you need on the Internet somewhere.
Anyway ... happy searching!
The Editor
They're Back.
Looking Through A Glass Mushroom - A Sneak Peek At Beatles: Mario Brothers.
Next in This Incredible Gaming.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Obituary.
Summer 2009 - which ruled the weather patterns and daily activities of the Northern Hemisphere for the last three months - has died. It was three-months-old.
Though its time was brief, its impact was high, and occurrences not without controversy. In fact, the season's demise comes with a touch of irony, as Summer itself was implicated in several noteworthy deaths. Among them: pop star Michael Jackson; political family patriarch Edward Kennedy; actress Farrah Fawcett; infomercial pitchman Billy Mays; Kung Fu actor David Carradine; the hotel attendant who discovered Carradine's body's chances of ever getting a good night's sleep again; the world's oldest man; the runner-up world's oldest man; the world's oldest dog; the Taco Bell dog; early-adopter swine flu victims; scores of flying insects drawn to bug-killing porch-lights; several spring romances initiated in the closing days of school; many drunken flings kindled at beach resorts and outdoor concerts; false hopes of establishing a disciplined exercise routine; similar plans of gaining a convincing white-person tan; suburban wives' unrealistic dreams of intercontinental vacation romance; suburban garage bands' unrealistic dreams of intercontinental YouTube fame; and faith in Iran's recount process.
It is survived by several bright-red bumps around our thighs that refuse to go away.
R.I.P.
The Editor
Though its time was brief, its impact was high, and occurrences not without controversy. In fact, the season's demise comes with a touch of irony, as Summer itself was implicated in several noteworthy deaths. Among them: pop star Michael Jackson; political family patriarch Edward Kennedy; actress Farrah Fawcett; infomercial pitchman Billy Mays; Kung Fu actor David Carradine; the hotel attendant who discovered Carradine's body's chances of ever getting a good night's sleep again; the world's oldest man; the runner-up world's oldest man; the world's oldest dog; the Taco Bell dog; early-adopter swine flu victims; scores of flying insects drawn to bug-killing porch-lights; several spring romances initiated in the closing days of school; many drunken flings kindled at beach resorts and outdoor concerts; false hopes of establishing a disciplined exercise routine; similar plans of gaining a convincing white-person tan; suburban wives' unrealistic dreams of intercontinental vacation romance; suburban garage bands' unrealistic dreams of intercontinental YouTube fame; and faith in Iran's recount process.
It is survived by several bright-red bumps around our thighs that refuse to go away.
R.I.P.
The Editor
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Saturday Matinee: A Peek Into the World at Our Birth.
In this soon-to-be regular feature, we tap into the multimedia potential of the Worldwide Interweb to feature video highlights from the last eight decades.
Today's edition - filmed in our birth year - is more than entertaining ... it's revelatory.
Yes, our researchers have uncovered more proof that Susan Boyle's singing career started far earlier than she acknowledged ...
Unfortunately, it cuts off before we glimpse the young Simon Cowell. Pity. Enjoy your weekend.
Today's edition - filmed in our birth year - is more than entertaining ... it's revelatory.
Yes, our researchers have uncovered more proof that Susan Boyle's singing career started far earlier than she acknowledged ...
Unfortunately, it cuts off before we glimpse the young Simon Cowell. Pity. Enjoy your weekend.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Looking Back...
"What do we have with this film? We have the denouement in the downfall of the cinema as art. We have a picture that oozes contempt for its audience, for form as well as content, for the human tragedy that plagues us all, and the liberating comedy that grants us sweet relief. It seems hatched from a world where Strasberg never taught, Brando and Dean never acted, Godard never directed, Marilyn never sizzled, Elvis never rocked, and the blacklist never ended. It is cinematic arsenic disguised as lime soda. It is what happens when men with the wrong-sized equipment are allowed to commit creative congress before a paying audience. It is evil writ large - projected, no less - in every multiplex in America. It is not a threat to your physical well-being to see this film, but it may well be a death strike to your mental and moral constitutions. Protect your health."
"This Incredible Cinema: Review - Benji The Hunted" June 1987
Thursday, September 3, 2009
These Incredible Insights: "The Dean" On Obama.
These Incredible Times is blessed to have a stable of writers who know well the in-and-outs of American politics. Among them: the "Dean" of the Washington press corps, Carlton Abner. Ninety-one-years-young and recently retired, Carlton still follows politics closely, and I think you'll agree that he hasn't lost a step. Here he offers his thoughts on the president's struggle to pass a national health care plan.
A few months ago the Obama express had unstoppable momentum: his ambitious work projects had just passed Congress, and he still basked in the glow of the landslide that made him the nation's first Italian-American chief executive. Yes, it seemed like the eloquent young Sicilian could do no wrong. But now the president's train is off-track; and some in Washington are wondering if we're watching a replay of the Taft years.
Much of the problem stems from his desire to deliver health insurance to all 170 million Americans. Pensioners have revolted in town hall meetings throughout the 48 states, with some going so far as to compare his proposals with something cooked up by his controversial German counterpart, Adolf Hitler. To add insult to injury, a few rightists even allege that Obama was actually born on the Pacific island of Hawaii, and is therefore constitutionally ineligible to hold his current office. For this swarthy immigrant's son from the southside of Chicago, that last allegation must truly sting.
Perhaps one way for the president to correct his course on health reform is to make himself less of an issue. Certainly, he has supporting players who can add the right kind of help. Vice-President Joe Biden has the kind of rabble-rousing charisma that enlivened many a "Free Silver" rally; if Obama isn't worried about being upstaged, perhaps he could take the lead on health care. The exotic beauty and personal charm of the president's wife, First Lady Michelle Obama, could also be utilized to persuade some members of the Democrats' recalcitrant Southern wing. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - long a heroine to the Suffragist set - could remind female voters that, with the government protecting their husband's health, they'll have less reason to worry, and more time to devote to the various domestic duties they perform so well.
All of this is not to suggest that the president doesn't have powerful assets of his own. He has a commanding voice, and is more at ease in front of a microphone than anyone this side of Fred Allen. He still enjoys vast affection among the young, who practically jitterbugged to the polls to support him last fall. Finally, he has a special rapport with Negroes, who seems to view him as one of their own in a way that even Lincoln might envy.
Combining their talents, will the Obama team slowly win over the mugwumps in Congress? Or will the president have to say "ciao" to his sweeping plan to build an American social-safety net? The history is still to be written.
A few months ago the Obama express had unstoppable momentum: his ambitious work projects had just passed Congress, and he still basked in the glow of the landslide that made him the nation's first Italian-American chief executive. Yes, it seemed like the eloquent young Sicilian could do no wrong. But now the president's train is off-track; and some in Washington are wondering if we're watching a replay of the Taft years.
Much of the problem stems from his desire to deliver health insurance to all 170 million Americans. Pensioners have revolted in town hall meetings throughout the 48 states, with some going so far as to compare his proposals with something cooked up by his controversial German counterpart, Adolf Hitler. To add insult to injury, a few rightists even allege that Obama was actually born on the Pacific island of Hawaii, and is therefore constitutionally ineligible to hold his current office. For this swarthy immigrant's son from the southside of Chicago, that last allegation must truly sting.
Perhaps one way for the president to correct his course on health reform is to make himself less of an issue. Certainly, he has supporting players who can add the right kind of help. Vice-President Joe Biden has the kind of rabble-rousing charisma that enlivened many a "Free Silver" rally; if Obama isn't worried about being upstaged, perhaps he could take the lead on health care. The exotic beauty and personal charm of the president's wife, First Lady Michelle Obama, could also be utilized to persuade some members of the Democrats' recalcitrant Southern wing. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - long a heroine to the Suffragist set - could remind female voters that, with the government protecting their husband's health, they'll have less reason to worry, and more time to devote to the various domestic duties they perform so well.
All of this is not to suggest that the president doesn't have powerful assets of his own. He has a commanding voice, and is more at ease in front of a microphone than anyone this side of Fred Allen. He still enjoys vast affection among the young, who practically jitterbugged to the polls to support him last fall. Finally, he has a special rapport with Negroes, who seems to view him as one of their own in a way that even Lincoln might envy.
Combining their talents, will the Obama team slowly win over the mugwumps in Congress? Or will the president have to say "ciao" to his sweeping plan to build an American social-safety net? The history is still to be written.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
From A Clunker.
It's been a long time since we talked. OK ... we never talked; I didn't have GPS. But is that my fault? I don't think so. I was manufactured in 1987 - remember what you were like in '87?
I do. You were so excited to get me. I was your "first." You couldn't wait to shine and buff me, show me off to all your friends, pile things in my glove compartment, and hang deodorizers inside me. You thought of me as an extension of you, and I was too short-sighted to know the limits of that concept.
I could say a lot of things about now. I could say that I never meant to damage your image with girls. I could say that I never meant to pollute the environment. I could say that I have nothing against Al Gore, and am very pleased to see he's lost weight. I could say a lot of things...but it wouldn't be enough. For society has designated me a "clunker" - consigned to the scrapheap of history.
I've seen the car you'd like to replace me with. I know those cars - they've pulled alongside me dozens of times. Sure, they go fast, but when you want legroom, who will you think about? Me. Did I guzzle too much gas? You bet. But that's what we did in those days. We didn't know any better - and neither did you.
You must know that it wasn't easy. Taking you from place to place. Letting you spill things all over my interior. Escorting your fat cousin Jeffrey, whose thighs in summer dripped like the Exxon-Valdez. Hearing that same Jim Croce tape over and over. "If I could save time in a bottle" - UGH.
I just hope you understand that, throughout it all, I always tried to be the best car that I could be.
And know that somewhere, in a distant universe where everything is just, you're the one being smashed to Kingdom Come, while I own the road.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Greetings.
You're probably scratching your head about now. We're used to it.
Throughout its history, These Incredible Times has never been anything but unique. The cover of our very first issue - which hit newsstands the month before "Black Tuesday" - featured a subject whose singularity somehow embodied the can-do spirit of the Roaring Twenties.
His name was Albert Penniman. Thirty-six-years-old and a resident of Manhasset, NY, he successfully conducted a symphony orchestra despite the disadvantage of a hook arm. As the man himself told us, revealingly (and pre-Sinatra), "I do things my way."
Mr. Penniman is, of course, long dead, and even longer forgotten. But his spirit - if one believes in such things - has lived on through the magazine his image once graced. Like good ol' AP, Teeth (as the fans call us) has always done things its way. In eight decades of publishing, we've forged a path all our own, steering clear of trends but always embracing innovation- determined to stay at least a block ahead of our peers.
Which is why - after some deliberation - we've decided to join the Internet.
Now, we are not turning to the Web because our print edition is failing. Quite the contrary; all three of the issues we published last year sold out in middle New England. We also have a subscriber base that's an advertiser's dream - affluent, educated, and STD-free. And print copies will remain available: just press Ctrl+P.
But we can't rest on our laurels. Now's the time for a new audience to discover what our old readers have known for years: These Incredible Times is indispensable. Soon, we'll offer evidence of this truth in the form of new stories written by our prize-anticipating staff; and archival pieces that have not been read in decades, if not longer.
Yes, These Incredible Times have come to your computer at last. If one insists on theism, let us hope that somewhere in the Great Beyond, the maestro of Manhasset is wiggling his mustache, tapping his baton, and preparing to usher us forth to even greater heights than before.
May miracles happen again.
The Editor
Throughout its history, These Incredible Times has never been anything but unique. The cover of our very first issue - which hit newsstands the month before "Black Tuesday" - featured a subject whose singularity somehow embodied the can-do spirit of the Roaring Twenties.
His name was Albert Penniman. Thirty-six-years-old and a resident of Manhasset, NY, he successfully conducted a symphony orchestra despite the disadvantage of a hook arm. As the man himself told us, revealingly (and pre-Sinatra), "I do things my way."
Mr. Penniman is, of course, long dead, and even longer forgotten. But his spirit - if one believes in such things - has lived on through the magazine his image once graced. Like good ol' AP, Teeth (as the fans call us) has always done things its way. In eight decades of publishing, we've forged a path all our own, steering clear of trends but always embracing innovation- determined to stay at least a block ahead of our peers.
Which is why - after some deliberation - we've decided to join the Internet.
Now, we are not turning to the Web because our print edition is failing. Quite the contrary; all three of the issues we published last year sold out in middle New England. We also have a subscriber base that's an advertiser's dream - affluent, educated, and STD-free. And print copies will remain available: just press Ctrl+P.
But we can't rest on our laurels. Now's the time for a new audience to discover what our old readers have known for years: These Incredible Times is indispensable. Soon, we'll offer evidence of this truth in the form of new stories written by our prize-anticipating staff; and archival pieces that have not been read in decades, if not longer.
Yes, These Incredible Times have come to your computer at last. If one insists on theism, let us hope that somewhere in the Great Beyond, the maestro of Manhasset is wiggling his mustache, tapping his baton, and preparing to usher us forth to even greater heights than before.
May miracles happen again.
The Editor
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